Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
And bowling should be called pinball
What’s a Messi?