How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
sigh
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice