AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
🤣
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.