“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You Might Also Like
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I unironically love this joke.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Stonehinge
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”