I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
life finds a way
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess