Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Never forget.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further