Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !