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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
this is funnier than any friends episode
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
San Francisco has too many rules
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake