My dream job is getting paid to dream
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
scares
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”