“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You Might Also Like
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“you recording!?”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot