What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*aggressively waits in line*
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.