Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…