Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Sign of the day..
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.