Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
courtroom exchange of the day