Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
john wicks are toilet candles
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids