I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me