My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet