crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
How can I say no to this ?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed