Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Look at this
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down