Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.