The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
O Wise One….
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.