Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
How times have changed.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.