“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
🍞🦆
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.