Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You Might Also Like
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.