To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers