Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
You Might Also Like
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men