I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
never forget
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.