Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: