Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive