If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson