*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I beg your pardon?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.