My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.