Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
6. me as a lawyer
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Comparing yourself to others
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”