ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.