I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You Might Also Like
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!