Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart