Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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Plant care tips
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”