i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
WHO DID THIS?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.