in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
sigh
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit