My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
You Might Also Like
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
having children is a pyramid scheme.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?