Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.