I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Ugh but profoundly
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny