Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”