My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him