Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.