A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Worth remembering.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.