Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
No laws when master is gone
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids