Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”