What kind of a cult is this?
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Ferrari squats
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.