me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”